Thursday 22nd September – Dumb Pricks

What Riots?

What Party Conferences? What Hurricane? There’s more serious news to report on, don’t you know.

Back to business with uncurrent affairs as the Snoozenight offices open full time after the pilot landed the damaged hulk safely in the Hudson river, saving all onboard.

The Metro.co.uk’s homepage, somewhat ironically, has a “news” button to click on.  The sold-his-soul-to-the-devil webmaster does have a sense of humour after all.

Nervously hovering my weak and withered curser over this “news” button, I plucked up the courage of one-thousnad-warriors and decided that clicking the web-switch was the best course of action as their front page was starting to resemble the fucking Beano.

The link didn’t really help my cause, but it did allow me time to swallow the now-cold sick in my mouth before reading the following comic-caper as featured as front page news:

Hedgehogs: DEAD! 

Hedgehogs could be extinct in 15 years, warns zoologist Dr Toni Bunnell

Dr Toni Bunnell, a hedgehog expert, has claimed the loveable garden critters are a dying breed and could be extinct within 15 years.

“Could be extinct” or “will be extinct”?

“The Metro” or “The New Scientist”?

“Rolf’s Animal Hospital” or the “International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN)”?

According to the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species our dumb little spiny fucker has been

..evaluated against the criteria and does not qualify for Critically Endangered, Endangered, Vulnerable or Near Threatened.

So what’s the truth?  Is it T-Minus-15-Years for the walking pin cushions?  Is it truly the Countdown to Hedgetinction? Well, maybe, if my own research is anything to go by….

And from where do I draw my supporting evidence?  The Metro.  Even I have a sense of humour sometimes.  The Metro appears to not only hold the record for number of Hedgehog storys online but is now also the UK’s “official partner” of The London Hedgehoympics 2012.  Today, and today only, it is my ally!

I hypothesise forthwith.  Ergo, vis-à-vis, the hedgehog is a result of a systemic anomaly known simply as “douchbaggery”.  If hedgehogs stopped being such dopy, toothless, fun-loving twats for a minute they may have a slim chance of avoiding extinction.  I present my first evidence as follows… The Metro reports that..

Hedgehogs kept safe with own road crossing

Some lucky hedgehogs are no longer worried about becoming road kill after being provided with the UK’s first dedicated road crossing.

Fact.  Hedgehogs are lazy, dumb and blind to danger.  Because they are Hedgehogs they are excused of these traits.

Fact. To help these dumb animals, a select group of humans even more retarded than a prickly four-inch mammal, built 1 x road crossing, which will result in hundreds of hedgehogs not dying exactly where the crossing is every year.  Well done them.

Being “no longer worried” is not something hedgehogs do – the point supported by their eagerness to decorate the roads red during not just during the festive months.  Their bravado (see stupidity) is legendary throughout the animal kingdom – particularly within circles of beneficial pestilence.

Many a hedgehog has been awarded the posthumous medal of bravery from the insect, maggot and bacteria family, for services to population growth.  (Incidentally, is eating Desert in a Greek restaurant known as Posthumous? –no, Ed)

Just like their human counterparts hedgehogs are in the main  lazy, dumbo cunts and if they’re not busy being rubbish at crossing roads, they’re rushing to become part of them….

Yellow lines painted over dead hedgehog in Hartlepool

Disgusted residents could not believe their eyes when council contractors painted yellow lines over a dead hedgehog.

Ahh, the infamous story of human douchbaggery.  While we can’t blame a road-painter for not paying attention to what must be one of the most mind-numbing point of his day, some blame must go for the hedgehog taking the internet craze of “extreme planking” to new levels.  At least he got a his photo online.

Lest we forget those animals lost to man-made activities such as planking.  The hedgehog died for his art.  Rest in peace.  No parking between 8:30am and 6pm.

Hogcrossings, and postmortum back painting – the human interference doesn’t stop there.  Witness the spindley finger of death pointing once again at our prickly friends (thanks to more dim-witted humans with potted-shrimps for brains)…. The Metro holds the truth in it’s cold dead hand..

Rescued hedgehogs head to fat club

A group of “chubby” hedgehogs are to be given a helping hand in losing their winter weight thanks to a special hedgehog “fat club”

Having survived the winter, hibernating, hiding from predators and the elements, living only off fat reserves built up over the warmer months, these thick-as-shit hedgehogs now face being exercised to death by thicker-than-shit humans.

“I lost over three friends on the Weight-Watchers diet.  You have a worm-shake for breakfast, slugs on ryvita for lunch and whatever you like for supper.  It’s brilliant!”

Hedgehogs aren’t fans of pilates and swimming was an abject failure.  Although they do excel at…

…Hide and seek…

Guards hired to protect hedgehogs

Security guards armed with torches and chicken wire are keeping 24-hour watch to stop hedgehogs hiding in a bonfire at one of the country’s largest fireworks displays.

Coming ready or not!! The poor fuckers hadn’t even counted to 100 before they were soaked in petrol, going out with a bang, burned alive to the soundtrack of gunfire and lyrics of just “ooooh” and “ahhhhhh”.

I guess hibernating in a bonfire is one sure way of avoiding fat-club after the winter.  Put a fence around it and chuck a few foxes inside.  Hedgehogs are dumb-as-fuck but not so dumb as to walking unknowing into the mouth of a fox.  At least not sober…

Drunk hedgehog taken to hospital

A ‘legless’ hedgehog was found rolling around an orchard after getting drunk by gorging on fermented apples.

“The prickly creature – nicknamed Tipsy – was ‘squealing loudl’ when animal rescuers arrived at the scene in Braunton, Devon.

She was taken to the Prickly Ball Hedgehog Hospital in nearby Newton Abbot and woke up the next day nursing a massive hangover.

‘This is definitely the first drunk hedgehog I have found,’ said Ann McCormack, who took Tipsy to the hospital.

Despite being dosed with painkillers and antibiotics, Ms McCormack said Tipsy still had a ‘big headache’ in the morning.”

It’s drink was spiked surely? Let’s face it, hedgehogs are a fucking liability.  If they’re not getting too fat, run over or being burnt to death, they’re getting shit-faced on scrumpy and decorating the roadsides.

It’s survival of the fittest and if the least adaptable creature on the British Isles is happy being a primo-dufus instead of evolving then so be it.  For a creature so pointed, they are surprisingly pointless.

[By that I mean philosophically, like most of us, they are significantly without point.  Although they do have spines: spines as in needle-like structures, not in the vertebrate definition.  Nor am I saying that hedgehogs are brave, not cowards (or spine-less).  I’m not sure what I’m saying anymore.] – Get on with it, Ed

Remember the Dodo? It evolved in isolation on Mauritius with no natural predators, so hadn’t a care in the world when the humans arrived with their dogs, cats and pigs.  Rather than being a complete dumb-asses like the hedgehogs, Dodos had blind-bravado.  Unfortunately they hadn’t evolved pistols for wings by that point and in a coud of red-feather, they were gone.

Meanwhile, in the present day, the hedgehog is so busy partying, they think “evolution” is a marsupial nightclub just of station street.

The Goat! 

The Goat has got the right idea….. (oh God – Ed)

Not resting on the fact that it’s a valuable food commodity pretty much immune from obsolescence, to avoid extinction the Goats have learned to increase their transferable skills allowing them to mix with the dominant species (thick-as-faeces humans).  Link me do, oh fountain of knowledge Metro.co.uk….

They paint; they assassinate dictators; they can be a hot date; but even the most-clever goats are sometimes guilty of “doing a hedgehog”

It all ends here in 2026.  Thank God.