Don’t Just Book It, Ethnic Cleanse it.

queen and mugabe copy

TOURISM SPECIAL FEATURE

This week is going to be CRAZY. We can feel it in our withered, thin bones here in the Snoozenight studios. It’ll end with a right Royal Bang and it starts with oh em gee this.

Mugabe is UN’s new ‘leader for tourism’

I’m not mucking around here. There’s a toothbrush moustache quivering with excitement over the column inches devoted to this one. It’s a CIA conspiracy I tell you!

Despite the fact Mugabe, 88′ is under a travel ban, he has been honoured as a “leader for tourism” by the UN’s World Tourism Organisation, along with his political ally, Zambian president Michael Sata.

Critics are seeing this announcement as a scandal, while the ROFLQUANGO UNWTO see things differently. Even bad publicity is good pubicity when the Zimbabwian Field Commander Nob-end is involved.

Thus for Snoozenight to be fair and objective, it’s only right to turn to our resident Tourism Expert and facial hair commentator for their advice. The “friend of the show” and TripAdvisor.com’s Chief of Sneaky Vile Arrogance gave us this review of his recent adventure as organised by the Zimbabwean Tourist Board:

FOOD & DRINK ****
Breakfast was plentiful, although they didn’t have any fried eggs again. The lunchtime buffet bar was busy. Some consolation was that local’s queue to the bins was just as long as ours was to the servery.
Annoyingly there was no meat on the menu, although the chief chef did appears to have a lot of blood on his hands. Confused, especially when the head-chef appeared and accused the previous owner of hiding the sausage in the gravy can. Probably explains the meat-ban.
The restaurant decor and service culture was fabulous and intreging. The hotel owner described the experience as ‘to cynically engineer hunger in its guests’. Wonderful and unique.

ENTERTAINMENT ***
As well as the usual local music, we’re treated to a gang-show of sorts with Bob the hotel owner putting on a comedy play. At one point he pretended to systematically eradicate 20,000 papier mâché people in a fictional town called Matabeleland.
It was so far fetched we were laughing. Reminded me of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, but with Umpalumpas targeting white people for their apparent riches instead of singing about chocolate. Asparkling evening.

TRANSPORT **
Even though the national airline had gone bust recently, we were still treated to a first class flight courtesy of Uninspector Airlines. I’d not come across the carrier before. I think it was one of those budget ones like Easyjet. The staff were abrupt, not particularly helpful and on our nighttime arrival we were asked politely to re-pack our parachutes and just keep running until we hit check-in.
Outside the airport, we were treated to a tour around the National Infrastructure Museum. It’s a living museum and shows what a broken and iradicated series of roads and communications would look like if they were introduced to modern Zimbabwe. The place was HUGE. Impressive.

ACCOMMODATION *
In the time I was there, my wife and I were moved from the luxury room 64 to a more modest room 34. The waterbed brought back some saucy memories to the wife and I of good times long gone. Unfortunately the bed suffered from hyperinflation on the second night and was removed without notice.
We did lose power in our rooms on a couple of nights, but it was restored quickly using intimidation, violence and the armed forces.

OVERALL ***
Shame about the fried eggs.
Would recommend in the future.