Monday 9th May 2011 – Brad-istan / Twitter Injunctions / Scooter Robbing

Rolling Stoned

According to sexy-named news agency Reuters, the prime minister of Pakistan was going to “take the nation into confidence” today as he explained to his country and fellow politicians that he had no idea he was harbouring and hiding an old man with a fetish for home videos and kidney failure.

The Prime Minister is accused of covering up the existence of an extreme right-wing, orthadox-muslim terrorist organisation, headed up by a wealthy and anti-western leader – he is also accused of covering for al-Qaeda. Boom boom.

Similarly, the US is being accused by Pakistan of providing shelter to America’s most wanted man – Brad Pitt. (According to the readers of Grazia magazine.)

And heads will roll, once the investigation has been completed. Now, if those heads are rolled on account of incompetence, we will share that information with you. And if, God forbid, somebody’s complicity is discovered, there will be zero tolerance for that, as well.

I’m more convinced that eyes will roll once the investigation has been completed. There will be more rolling heads than crowd of convicted Saudi-Arabian murderers moshing at an AC-DC concert.

Pakistan are known for their sum-total zero-tolerance of criminals. When a criminal is being stoned to death, it is customary to apply wealth-maths to the participant’s “tolerance stones”: Plus-one tolerance for offenders under the poverty line and a minus-one tolerance for the more wealthy and well-connected criminals.

U.S. President Barack Obama said Sunday that bin Laden likely had “some sort” of a support network inside Pakistan, but added it would take investigations by Pakistan and the United States to find out just what the nature of that support was.

Sony have declined to comment.

Spaghetti Injunction

Sky News is shit-stirring today with it’s lead-news….

A Twitter account is claiming to expose celebrities who have allegedly taken out injunctions to hide extra-marital affairs
The page, which can be read by anyone online, gathered more than 30,000 followers within hours and purports to be an attempt to get around gagging orders taken out against the media.

Reporting this is the jouralistic equivalent of whispering someone else’s naughty secrets to the school’s Golum-like gobshite. While they pass the info around the playground you step back, tilt your head sideways, shrug your shoulders while wagging your finger saying “uuummmmmmmm!!!!”.

Before Andrew Marr brought hyper-hypocrisy gto where he used to keep his roving-robotic-penis-of-truth, I truly thought a super-injucntion was another name for the Gravelly Hill Interchange on the M6 motorway in Birmingham.

I’m guessing a super-injunction stopped Sky News from directing traffic to the twitter user @InjunctionSuper

Brum Bandits

Finally, the Birmingham Evening Mail brings us more heartwarming news..

THIEVES who stole a mobility scooter from its owner’s front garden in the Black Country were branded “lower than a snake’s belly” by their victim.

…but not as low as a snake’s cock – which has been known to be lower than ground level when hard. Hopefully the judge will bear this important fact in mind when sentencing the scumbags.

Cursing pedestrians along the way, the thieves climbed on the mobility-mobile and made their way 300 yards to the popular frozen food shop, Iceland. Four hours later, they entered Iceland, picked up six litres of Panda Cola and a loaf a bread before a police footpatrol caught up with them. Without breaking a sweat, Police went on to arrest the criminals, after the low-speed chase ended at the curb on the other side of the road.

The above version of events was made up by me.