Tuesday 10th May 2011 – Shock Jock / FaceJacker / Final Semi

I Likes Salmond

Congratulations to the Scottish Nazional Party on winning an overall majority in this week’s Scot’s Tish Elections. This historic result now give party leader, Alex “Leaps Like a” Salmond the opportunity to give the moaning Jocks a referendum on Scottish Independence.

SNP Finance Minister John Swinney said the party would “assert the Scottish position” in Westminster “in a courteous and effective way” but David Cameron “must understand that we go into those discussions with a much stronger mandate than we have done in the past”

SNP Finance Minister John Swinney also said the party would “assert via a heed-butt, knockin’ yer pish policies to tha groond, thin throw a bag o’ fish and chips on ’em, then gowb a mouthful-a tennants-super al ooer ya. Ya English preck.”

“That’s why the UK government must pay attention to what the Scottish government is saying,” he said.

As part of their domination plan codename: “Unternehmen Seelöwe” , the SNP have recruited secret-weapon Wee Jimmy Krankie to marry Price Harry on February 29th 2013, thus starting a Tartan virus which will spread through the entire English establishment.  Little do they know, the BNP got to Harry first.  Long Live the  Union!

Once the Scottish Election results were announced, all elected Scottish SMPs immediately got the fuck out of there and made their way back to Westminster by train, packing out the First Class carriage as follows:

the SNP had 69 seats, Labour 37, the Tories 15, the Lib Dems five, and others three

Masking Tape

Dallas Wiens lost his face in an industrial accident, leaving him with no face and a lot of no-win-no-fee lawyers knowing at his door.  Lucky for him, Doctors had a donor face complete with elastic on the back and holes in the front so he could see.

My straight-man, the good old BBC, set’s itself up for a fall yet again with a video of his “reveal”.  And I thought the BBC’s coverage of the Boat Race was only once a year…..wakka wakka wakka

Face transplant: Dallas Wiens hails regained smell!

The truth is you’d start smelling if you were wearing a dead-man’s face.  The actual truth is that he regained the sense of smell and can also feel the kisses of his daughter against his face again.  Wonderful. Amazing, even.

Questions, Questions, Questions…. So Many Questions. Were the donor’s lips blue? Does Mr Wiens now have no reflection? Is he “smiling inside”?

While the surgery went as planned and was the most complicated of it’s type in history (the guy had his eyes, nose and lips burned off) Doctor’s tell us that he’ll need to take drugs for the rest of his life to stop rejection.  I know how he feels. *crying inside*

Dallas always said after the injury that he now had a choice: he could just choose to get bitter, or choose to get better. His choice was to get better. Thank God

Either way he’ll end up with his head hanging.  Let’s “face” it,  it’s time to stop now.

A Dong for Your-Rub

After trawling through  late night TV as a kid (and adult) in order to get my masterbatory kicks, it’s nice of the BBC to give me a semi before the watershed.  Now that’s what I pay my TV tax for.