Wednesday 11th May 2011 – Killer McCann / World Crap 2018

Mad Men

The red-topped Heart & Soul of our fair nation, The Sun newspaper kicked us all in the nuts with a(nother) McCann exclusive. That’s Madeleine not The Eighth Doctor.

Kate McCann is peddling her new book, “How to Lose Kin and Influence people”, concentrating on how the events of 2007 had affected her sex life (you couldn’t make this up) an extract from her turd-tome leads with:

After Madeleine was taken from us, my sexual desire plummeted to zero. I couldn’t make love to Gerry.

Neither could we, to be fair.   He’s at least a nine-pinter – and an expensive pity-fuck if ever there was one.  Kate McCann knows full well that being responsible for the death of your own daughter is a bit of a passion killer.  A turn-off equivalent to a bed-ridden GerryMcCann farting (and following through) in his Y-Fronts, wafting the duvet in his wife’s face, while rocking back and forth screaming “polícia! polícia” in Portuguese.

As George Michael famously sang, “Guilty cheats have got no rhythm”.

Four years of press conferences, holidays and magazine interviews without Maddie have obviously taking their toll on poor Kate.  With her face looking like raw chicken-skin stretched over a chimp’s skull, she continued to share her delusion…

“It was torture of the cruellest kind…. I look back now and wonder how on earth Gerry and I have made it this far.”
KATE McCann tells us about the first few hours of the frantic search for Madeleine…..

“Once we realised Maddie had disappeared, we needed to quickly come up with an action plan so Gerry went and ordered another bottle of Rioja – if you like lots of fruit without being heavy, Berberana Reserva is one of my favourites. The waiter brought over a couple of packets of peanuts and a bag of pork scratchings – who’d have thought you could get them over here!  After thinking things through, our dear friends decided they would turn in for an “early night”. The randy pair!  Careful consideration followed – Gerry and I decided to have a couple of Gin and Tonics to finish the night before calling his boss and good-friend for some advice.  He’s very well-connected, you know, particularly in PR and media –  I don’t know what we would have done without him.”

A Questionable Sport

The Ernie Wise of websites, BBC News, reports that bad-loser Lord Triesman, who was chairman of England’s failed bid for the 2018 world cup, claims FIFA members sought bribes to secure votes. FIFA’s President Sepp Blatter, speaking from his floating Playboy Mansion in Moscow, today called for evidence to support these claims.

The truth, while hard to swallow is that the English bidding team didn’t bribe hard, so we lost hard, with FIFA offloading the 2018 World Cup to Russia out of the back of Sepp Blatter’s car boot in a pub car park.  While the World Cup Competition Russia aquired will be perfectly watchable, it may have inferior picture and sound quality and may not work in some modern DVD players.

In a startling admission, Lord Triesman blows the piggy-bank lid off FIFAs corruption. He claims that…

– FIFA’s vice-president Warner asked for around £2.5m…to build an education centre..with the cash to be channelled through him
– Paraguay’s Fifa member Leoz asked for a knighthood;
– Brazil’s Fifa member Teixeira asked him [Triesman] to “come and tell me what you have got for me”

Triesman went on to recall further bribe requests from FIFA members, including

– The moon on a stick;
– P Diddy
– Wales;
– David Beckham’s sperm;
– A monkey butler;
– “Pics of Tits or GTFO”;
– Pippa Middleton

Triesman also accused the Premier League’s Chairman, Peter Scudamore of playing the bribe game. An accusation which Peter duly took skillfully on his chest, turned and volleyed back as follows:

“I’m afraid David’s recollection of the facts and the chronology is simply wrong in this instance,” he said in a statement.

Calling from his Pink & Yellow polka-dot £300M Titty-Yacht just off the East Siberian coast, Scudamore went on to say, “Triesman is also a big fat lying gaylord with a tiny cock.” he said.

Back of the net.