Thursday 12th May 2011 – Lib Dem Muscle / The Strokes / Signing Off

Pumping Irony

Whispering pathetically while blushing, Liberal Democrat Leader, Nick Clegg told the BBC that the Liberal Democrats ‘will be more muscular’.

 Mr Clegg has been under pressure from Lib Dem activists to wield more clout in government after the party suffered its worst performance in council elections in England for 20 years.

Under the new Lib Dem Party Directive, Clegg is to change his name to “Nick Van-Damme MP” and his parliamentary title will be modified to read as “D€puty Pr1me Mini$ter”.

Leading by example, at prime minister’s questions today, Clegg challenged David Cameron’s response on NHS reforms with, “Quit yo jibber-jabber, foo!” and took Ed Balls to task stating that he should “Get Some Nutz!”.

 The Lib Dems will be more “muscular” in government and their influence more “visible”, Nick Clegg has vowed on the first anniversary of the coalition.

One financial upside (particularly in light of Davis Law’s recent claims) is that all Lib Dem expense claims will be dramatically reduced. Party members will now travel by car, train or ferry as collectively they “ain’t getting on no plane”.

The party will meet-and-greet their constituents on assault courses up and down the country, inviting members of the public to fight them with pugel sticks on podiums over a pool of scalding oil.

This isn’t the first time a party has had an effective “call to arms” mandate. In order to restore the voice of the Conservatives in Westminster, we famously recall the then opposition leader, Ted Heath throwing a live pig from the upper tier of the House of Commons onto an unknowing Enoch Powell, effectively ending Powell’s political career in 1967.

This was the inspiration for Enoch’s “Rivers of Blood Sausage” speech, which ended his career for a second time in 1968.

Modern Toss

Understanding that they are not allowed to write the word “wank” the BBC instead have been busily disguising health-news as “Carry-On Film” screenplays. This week, Auntie Beeb reports that:

Sex and coffee ‘trigger stroke’

Before you all rush out for the de-caff and bromide, please be aware of the BBC’s previous history at shoe-horning a few Sid James’ “yuk-yuk-yuks” into their articles, with the following disgusting headlines:

‘Happy marriage cuts strokes’

Maybe after the first 6 months. (OOOh I say!!)

‘Anti-depressants ‘up stroke risk’

I find the opposite applies. (Ooh Misses! Stopppittt!)

‘Public ‘unaware of stroke risk’

By “public” they mean “girlfriends and wives” obviously. Infamy! Infamy! etc

According to “Dutch research” (ooooh-matron!) there are a number of factors which have been identified as a potential cause for the bursting of blood vessels, leading to a “good old stroke”, as follows:

Coffee 10.6%
Vigorous exercise 7.9%
Nose blowing 5.4%
Sex 4.3%
Straining to defecate 3.6%
Drinking cola 3.5%
Being startled 2.7%~
Being angry 1.3%

Note to Bosses and middle-managers up and down the country – your skiving, work-shy, dossing, good-for-nothing male staff are currently undertaking all of the above activities in the office toilet RIGHT NOW.

There is now a near-certain chance they may be also “having a stroke” over the toilet or hand-basin RIGHT NOW! ON YOUR WATCH!

Have you ever seen your lay-about subordinates coming out of the toilet – red faced – sweating? Yes? Well, they’ve probably” just had a stroke”. AND IT’S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. What are you going to do?

Put your ear to the door NOW and listen out for any tell-tale sounds associated with dangerous or “vigorous strokes”. Maybe you could give them a helping hand to “reduce the pressure” in their vein. It’s for the good of the company.


Bye For Now

This is the end of your five-a-week.  Back Monday morning.