Monday 16th May – Pulling a sicky / Party like it’s 2005

Man-Up Flu

Question.

Spent Tuesday night on a park bench? Worked your way through fifteen cans of Strongbow on a school-night? Wednesday morning hangover? We’ve all been there.

Been on the white-wine and disco-dust on a Thursday night-swingers party? Friday morning, woken up by the sound of your vomit burning through the floorboards? Feel like someone’s taken a big rusty shit in your mouth? We’ve all been there.

Braved a Sunday night blind-date? Fancy-man bought you a drink which tasted a “bit funny”? Monday morning did you wake-up in a bath of ice, surrounded by floating hair, blood and faeces? One of your kidneys has been removed? We’ve all been there.

For all work-shy, lying, lazy Dumbo’s, the urge to pull a sicky is strong.  Whether it’s the utter bullshit of “sickness and diarrhoea” or the cunt- trump-card that is “women’s problems” or worse still, the self-diagnosis cuntitude of “the flu”.

The next time you convince your boss that “there’s something going around” consider this guy. Sky News Reports…..

An RAF pilot who managed to land his Chinook helicopter carrying injured troops after being shot in the head in Afghanistan was honoured at Buckingham Palace by HRH Prince Charles
After getting his award Flt Lt Fortune said: “It feels tremendous. The hairs on the back of my neck are still standing up. I feel very proud.

Yes, his name’s “Fortune”. He was “soldier fortune”, obviously. Quite whether he escaped to the Los Angeles underground to live AS a soldier of fortune, I don’t know. Last I heard, he was lying low in Wisbech.

Having spent many years trying unsuccessfully to connect with Britain’s urban youth, our current heir to the throne is trying an alternative approach: Project “Wild Horses” involves the heir apparent blindly assuming that the UK’s under-25 year olds still quote lines from “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey”. Thinking it was still 1991 rather than 2011…..

Prince Charles spoke to the pilot about his lucky escape and was enthralled by his “most excellent story”.

The Prince followed this swiftly with a small air-guitar mime then texted his mum “wrking from home 2day – got the runs LOL”.

Notice Bored

The BBC last week reported that household incomes in the UK ‘may return to 2005 levels‘ (whatever they are).

Households in the UK may be facing the biggest drop in income for 30 years, a leading economic think tank has warned.

Over-reacting to the news, Government Officials have put forward a white paper to normalise popular perception and reaction. This “will be achieved by recreating historical events from 2005”.“By devolving the country back to 2005 it is hoped UK residents will simply not notice the drop in income. By the time anyone notices, we hope to have restored income levels back to 2011 levels, whatever they might be.”

Under the white paper, proposed measures include:

  • George W Bush will be inaugurated for the 2rd time again just in time to hang the freshly exhumed body of Saddam Hussain. Tony Blair is comically re-elected just in time to attend this Dubya-jeopardy.
  • Sky Sports broadcast live footage of an aged drunken England Cricket team winning-back the Ashes in low-definition on a PlayStation2. Captained by James Corden.
  • Ellen MacArthur takes a yacht single-handed around the world’s race-riots and terrorist attack hotspots, projecting the image of a jaundiced George Best projected on her sails.
  • Pope John Paul II will be dug-up, robotically reanimated in time to bless the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles before being kicked back to death by three-thousand rape victims.
  • London will be re-awarded the next available Olympic Games during a musical re-enactment of the bombing of three London tube trains and a bus, set in the aftermath of the Bali bombings.

The house of Lords will make a decision on the plans next Monday.

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