Tuesday (Not Monday) 17th May – Queen in Dublin / Gordon Ramsey


Big news: Having finally slept off the Gin-hangover she’s been carrying for the last two weeks, BBC News reports that The Queen has become the first British monarch in 100 years to visit Ireland.  Maybe she’s nipped over to ask for her bail-out money back and a few cases of Jameson.

The Queen has laid a wreath at the Republic of Ireland’s Garden of Remembrance during the first visit to the country by a British monarch.

The act is significant as the garden, in Dublin, is dedicated to people who fought for Irish independence.

One assumes that it’s dedicated to the Soldiers from The Irish War of Independence (1919 to 1922), rather than the disgusting-egoist hypocrites like paramilitary machine-gunner Martin “Pour” McGuiness and former master of the over-dub , fake-beard-model, “Sinn Fein President, IRA commander, paedophile shelterer and woman killer”  Gerry “Grizzly” Adams.

It emerged that a pipe bomb found on a bus bound for Dublin on Monday had been made safe by an Irish army team.

Fairytale thoughts make me think of a reality where, while giggling on a toadstool, the Military Bomb Disposal experts recovered the pipe, smoked the contents, knocked the ash on the side of their curly-toed shoes, their rosy cheeks shining as they looked into the middle distance pensively.  If only life was as dreamy for them in a post ProvisionaIRA, ContinuityIRA and RealIRA Ireland.

2005 saw a discontinuation of activities of the RIRA.  After a down-sizing and re-structuring (move some shit-for-brains mongs up the hierarchy) a re-branding followed.  Unfortunately all the good breakaway names had been taken, so the few brainless rotton-nob-heads remaining decided on “”Irish Republican Army”. *rolls eyes*

A 21-gun salute and an Air Corps fly-past also marked the Queen’s arrival.

Followed by the unofficial 21 AK-47 salute and mortar fly-past from the toothless, gormless, minority, oxygen-thieving dissident republicans. Speaking of who…

Richard Boyd Barrett, who represents the People Before Profit party, criticised the expense of the state visit saying, “We don’t need to spend 30 million euros on a big circus bringing over one of the wealthiest women in the world to parade around the streets of Dublin and shut the city down for a few days to tell us what we already know, which is we are friends of the people of Britain,”

While his party is honourable with it’s “anti-neoliberalism, anti-war” policies, the naïve Richard Barrett, while dancing up and down in a green felt jerkin and hat at the bottom of a rainbow, puts his hands over his ears, shouting “la la la la la”, instead of watching yesterday’s news reports:

“A coded bomb threat relating to London had been received on Sunday, the first issued by Irish dissidents outside Northern Ireland in 10 years, officials said.”

Lacking even the dimmest of lightbulbs above their heads, a small and non-representative group of dribbling, indoctrinated, blameful fools decided to contact the now  very-effective British security forces.

Quite how the nuckle-dragging-spastic-errorists even managed to use a phone.  With pea-brains rattling around their cavernous heads, like a dried rabbit-shit rolling around in a bathtub, the gurning buffoons, cowering away at the end of a phone line, played knock-door run with Scotland Yard.

Predictably, the shit-for-brains cunts forgot to leave the flaming dog-poo on the door mat.

Ramsey’s Treat

Always focussing on the bigger picture and the bigger stories, yesterday the Metro wrote of Gordon Ramsay eating a snake’s beating heart on Gordon’s Great Escape.  Predictable, and with a big shitty stick, the source stirred up some good PR by going to the very top for comment..

“Gordon Ramsay has been attacked by an animal rights charity for eating a still-beating snake heart in his latest TV show, Gordon’s Great Escape.

TV pundits have been critical of the show’s new format.  The decision to have portly English bushman Ray Mears in as a supervising consultant has added a raw, caveman quality not seen since Keith Floyd fucked his way around the Mediterranean in the name of TV cuisine.

In the next episode of Gordon’s Great Escape, Ramsey, taking onboard the Charity’s comments, plans to tie up a semi-naked Delia Smith and claw out her still-beating heart, screaming “Kali ma! Kali Ma! Kali Ma!!!”

Insiders reveal the next show, Directed by Steven Spielberg, will feature a “drunk-on-blood” Ramsey leering hungrily over the delirious Delia while she mutters “Om Namha Shivaye, Om Namha Shivaye, Om Namha Shivaye” over and over until a whip-wielding Heston Blumenthal saves the day.

Using a vacuum-sealed 18ft chorizo, he will swing-in, halting the sacrifice just in time to serve up Goat’s-Head Porridge with Monkey-Brain Ice-Cream from his dusty fedora.

Ken Hom will make a guest appearance as Short Round.

He’s made sick entertainment out of this animal’s suffering to make himself look interesting”, say the Animal Rights Charity.

The organisation is predictably shocked such terrible programming (showing authentic, legal animal slaughter and consumption), while it conveniently ignores “less important” Human Rights infringements from around the world, with 12 protesters machine-gunned in Israel yesterday alongside the 7 protesters bulleted-to-dead in Syria.  You’ve been told!