Thursday 19th May – Name and Shame / Eastenders ain’t real

“Don’t Tell Him Your Name, Like”

It’s been spread all over the news like Pippa Middleton’s ring-piece; it’s a story we can all “poke” fun at from our country “retweet”. Guffaw.

This slice of rotten news-pie made its way to its spiritual home – the Stained Armitage-Shanksite that is The Metro.

The ‘Like’ button on Facebook, as with YouTube’s ‘thumbs up’ feature, is there to let users signal their approval of friends’ comments, status updates, photos, videos and the like.

Fact – As of yesterday, out of a readership of millions, only 6787 (as of yesterday) demented sods are brave enough to actually admit to “like”ing their daily commute’s bog-rag.

There’s a reason why The Metro is FREE, compared to arse-tissue (four rolls for £1.49 RRP): If caught short, it’s less embarrassing letting strangers see you use your pants as a faecal-rag, than letting a stranger see you wipe your shitty-barse with The Metro.

I digress.

And it turns out Lior and Vardit Adler like the ‘Like’ button itself so much they, like, named their little one after it.

With the parents’ own names making them sound like Las Vegas Magicians, the baby naming process was never going to be pretty. Still seething that their own names were picked randomly by Mum and Dad from the Death Star phone directory, one can’t help thinking this “like”ing of their daughter was more spiteful than innocent.

That, or Mr and Mrs Adler are unimaginable knob-heads.

‘To me it is important to give my children names that are not used anywhere else, at least not in Israel,’ Mr Adler told German Press Agency DPA.

Surely the obvious choice of unique name would have been to call her “Arab”. I’m pretty sure that’ll be a unique at her school. Unique for at least for the next 50 years. Or until she’s bullied to death, 48 years earlier.

Like joins the couple’s other two daughters Dvash (‘honey’ in Hebrew) and Pie.

Mr Adler obviously thought the “pie”-button from Greggs.com website was going to have more of a widespread use within popular social-networks. I heard he wasn’t too happy when filled-pastry-networking-site “www.stuffyourfacebook.com” was given a cease and desist notice last year by Mark Zukerburg.

‘If once people gave Biblical names and that was the icon, then today [the Facebook ‘Like’] is one of the most famous icons in the world,’ mused Mr Adler, who lives in Hod Hasharon, near Tel Aviv.

If once people gave Biblical names and that was the root-vegetable, then [the grocer’s ‘cabbage’] is one of the most famous vegetables in the world, ‘mused Mr Simcock, who lives in the real fucking world, near common-sense lane.

When asked about the process of choosing their new baby’s name, the proud pa explained that he and his other half wanted a moniker that sounded nice when being called out, finally opting for ‘Like’ because of its ‘nice, international ring’.

It’s a verb. You gave your child a verb for a forename. Surely a more famous Israeli verb with a nice international ring when being called out would be “Occupy”. Or “Bulldoze”.

He has also revealed to Israeli newspaper Maariv that he and his wife consider ‘Like’ to be the modern equivalent of the name Ahava (‘Love’).

But we all know the modern equivalent of love is? It’s “Fuck”. Conveniently also a verb.

You attention-seeking, selfish, sociopathic, disgusting, unloving, exploitative, dumbo pig-parents.

Eastenders is all Filler

Ho hum – EastEnders ‘is not realistic’ said a BBC boss last week in news that will shock nobody except the cast of Made In Chelsea.

And is not a realistic portrayal of working-class life in today’s East End, the BBC’s soap boss has admitted.

In further revelation the Head of BBC Drama admits that:

  • The One Show isn’t a realistic portrayal of light entertainment.
  • Nescafe isn’t a realistic portrayal of coffee.
  • South Eastern Trains isn’t a realistic portrayal of public transport.
  • Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg isn’t a realistic portrayal of Lib Dem Leader Nick Clegg.

The BBC’s controller of drama production admitted that the BBC1 soap “may be significantly white compared with the real East End”.

In a desperate step backwards, scrabbling to fill up the hole he was now standing-in, he added: “It’s considerably more multicultural than it was even five years ago and is easily the most multicultural show on telly now.”

The obvious knee-jerk and panic in his response is matched only by the stench of mud coming from his undercrackers.

I’m pretty sure Star Trek beats Eastenders for multiculturalism. As does any holiday show. And probably the news. Welcome to pedant’s corner.

He said: “We may have had nerves about that at one stage, but we’re very proud of it now and you have to keep going.”

It has always been inherently difficult to allow ethnic minorities onto the television at the BBC. One recalls the problems Jim Davidson’s “Chalky” had in securing any prime-time slots at all.

Tony Warren, who created Coronation Street more than 50 years ago, told the magazine that adults get attached to the show at “low points in their lives”, such as during divorce, bereavement, or serious illness.

Just like how people get attached to drugs, alcohol and random acts of murder.

He added: “They don’t necessarily stay with it, but they come back. It’s another world, to which audiences escape. It always will be and it always has been.”

Just ask an alcoholic.

If you’re after dribbling catatonia, simply switch on, tune in, drop out.

I do.

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