Friday 20th May – Help the Aged Attenborough

Sci-Fa and Sci-Fi

Geriatric, fuddy-duddy, cuddly, low-balled-GRILF, Sir David Attenborough issued a strong warning to the House of Commons Select Committee this week.
The Independent reported that…

Sir David Attenborough has warned that advances in computer graphics mean viewers can no longer tell what is real and what has been artificially generated in science documentaries.

The BBC’s very own Yoda was giving evidence to a House of Lords Select committee, saying that “last week’s [BBC Science program] Inside The Human Body, had left even a veteran broadcaster like himself confused.”

“All this trickery and magic, it’s baffling. Just like the mystery of where I left my glasses this morning, and what’s my Grand-Daughter’s name again? I’m sure I put them both around here somewhere. *wanders off muttering to himself* What’s your name again? What is that program called? The one with the Young Cox guy? I’m sorry I forget.”

Sir David, 85, said: “It’s a very real problem. It’s not too difficult to use a computer to make a dead fish waggle its ears. It’s both true and false. The problem comes when you overstep the mark and put in something that isn’t true. With modelling by computers, if you wanted to confuse the audience, you’ve got more ways than ever before.

Speaking on David’s behalf, Age Concern stated that David “hadn’t fully recovered from learning that The Honey Monster and Godzilla weren’t real species of animal at all.

Only last year, Sir David spent 5 days in a foreign hospital following a similar incident.

While filming the series “Planet Earth” in Mexico City, David was severely traumatised when he found out that there wasn’t really a species of mouse, native to Mexico, called the “Speedy Gonzales”.

“I had some misgivings about the Inside The Human Body programme. I did think ‘I don’t know where we are with that’.” Sir David also called on the BBC to give a greater voice to non-mainstream opinions which challenge orthodox thinking.

Still reeling from being replaced by a CGI model by George “Chinbeard” Lucas, David has now hit rock-lobotom.

As we already know, the BBC has been providing a greater voice to non-mainstream thinking since its inception in 1922: The voices of such distinguished unorthodox thinkers as Gillian McKeith, Jonathon King, Angus Deayton, Andrew Marr, Carol Thatcher, Ashley Blake and other non-orthodox convicted criminals, fraudsters and racists.

Sir David gave evidence alongside Professor Brian Cox, the BBC science presenter, who said the corporation should have a bias towards the “scientific consensus” on issues like climate change. Professor Cox urged the BBC to get “more on the front foot” and “not be afraid to make mistakes”.

“Yes, here’s the fella – the Cox guy!”, said a confused Sir David. “Does he know where my glasses are? I’m 85 you know!”

Speaking from Professor Brian Cox’s backpack, 800 year-old Jedi Master David, declared “absolute folly” to the rumour that the 1980’s Sci-Fi film “Inner Space” was simply some fabricated special effects and not an actual trip through the human body.

Sir David defended Inner Space as “a ground-breaking piece of micrography, documenting for the first time the tiny-scientists that live in our bloodstream”.

David was led away by his carer and that’s probably the last we’ll hear from him until his Obituary pops up in a couple of years.

Sir David Attenborough, who’s brain died today ager 85.

He is survived by the Gruffello, the Smurfs, Big Bird and the Hofmiester Bear.