Monday 23rd May – End of the World Cup / Mount Bemusius

Believers perplexed after prediction fails

For many UK followers, this weekend signified the end of the world.  There would be no going back.  They and their beloved would be taken forever by a higher force.

For the rest of us it would be business as usual.  Rinse and repeat.

That’s right it was football’s “relegation weekend” for the English Premier League, with West Ham, Blackpool and Birmingham being taken from us to a lower place: the purgatory which is the 2nd Tier of English Football.

There will be no release, no salvation and any team who has hopes of resurrection will need to pray for divine intervention (and a substantial parachute payment from the Premier League).

For non-believers or followers belonging to greater theatres of worship (ie Aston Villa’s ground, Villa Park or Wolverhampton Wanderers’ , Molineux Stadium) there is salvation.  At least for another year.

 Some believers expressed bewilderment or said it was a test from God of their faith, after the day passed without event.

“I was hoping for it because I think heaven would be a lot better than this Earth,” said Mr Bauer, a Blackpool FC supporting tractor-trailer driver, who took the week off work for the voyage.

Other followers said it a further test from God to persevere in their faith.

A faith which will be put to the test again and again – when the Second-Tier of English Football releases the  fixture-list in a couple of months time.

With season tickets at an all-time high, the investment made by the supporters of Birmingham, Blackpool and West Ham has provoked an angry response.

 “It was probably one of the saddest things that I’d ever read, the idea that there are kids out there whose parents spent their college savings funds, who sold their homes,” one woman told the BBC.

For West Ham, this apocalypse had been predicted since December 2010, though followers did state that this only referred to an “intermediary stage”.  How misguided the East-End fundamentalists were.

Another person to have been judged by a higher force was Chelsea’s manager, Carlo Ancelotti, who was taken away two hours after the final match and won’t be seen again.  A divine severance package awaits him while he basks in career limbo.


Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring!! The decrepid old man of the web, BBC News, enters the room, salutes clumsily and slurs the headline:

Iceland has closed its main international airport and cancelled domestic flights after its most active volcano, Grimsvotn, began erupting.

This wasn’t the start of the Rapture prophesies.  Just the start of the churnalism prophesies.  It was the weekend – remember that only real news happens on a weekday.

In light of the aerial disruption following the volcanic Countdown Conundrum “Eyjafjallajokul” (which stranded nobody important last year) we fully expect news agencies to produce numerous warnings of disruption and terror, illustrated with diagrams and maps resembling Friday-night pavement-art painted with vomit and diarrhoea, brought on by an Iceland delicacy – a £2 bag of frozen BBQ chicken wings.

However, weather officials warned that ash could reach northern Scotland by Tuesday and parts of Britain, France and Spain by Thursday or Friday if the eruption continues at the same rate, according to Reuters.

Better get blowing your fucking bagpipes, boys.  And blow them HARD!

American tourists aside, the Godforsaken droning of those pitiful air-bags has been keeping everything from your borders for the last 300 years.  Let’s hope ii repels ash as well as it repels people.

This now joins the ever-growing list of active volcanos, named by cats jumping on the keyboard, such as Loki-Fogrufjoll, Bardarbunga, Tungnafellsjokull, Kverkfjoll, Askja, Fremrinamur, Krafla, Theistareykjarbunga, Tjornes, Oraefajokull, Esjufjoll, Reykjaneshryggur, Reykjanes, Krisuvik, Brennisteinsfjoll, Hengill, Grimsnes, Prestahnukur, Langjokull, Hofsjokull, Kerlingarfjoll, Geysir, Kolbeinsey, Vestmannaeyjar- (Heimaey, Surtsey), Eyjafjallajokull, Katla, Tindfjallajokull, Torfajokull, Vatnafjoll, Hekla, Snaefellsjokull, Lysuholl and Ljos.

Down kitty.