Thursday 26th May – Marmitegate

Danish Yeast Extracted

BBC News, bored of Volcanoes, looks to another Northern European country for further crud to report. This (very popular) article  smells of PR bullshit and a brewer’s drain. But apparently it’s absolutely true.

Denmark has banned the savoury spread Marmite, saying its added vitamins and minerals break food safety laws.

The phrase “Banning the Marmite” was once the preserve of conservative love-makers the world over.

Now, thanks to the Danish Government, the yellow and black Batsignal has gone up, mobilising Marmite lovers the world-over, bringing together Britons connected only through years of bad-taste and destroyed taste-buds, provoking a reaction of defiance not seen since 1945.

The Danish authorities must give their permission for products with such additives to be sold.

Denmark had better watch out. We here in the UK will be quick to boycott all Danish exports. Any boycott would seriously damage sales of products such as bacon, bacon, smoked bacon, bacon, bacon and Danish Pastries.

With the monopoly on sliced pigs-arse; stocks of oink-flank sitting on supermarket shelves will drive the commodity price right down; the pork-pound will spiral out of control.

This fact, in conjunction with the basic human need for bacon, may all end in tears for the protesters as grown men weeping in Tesco, rolling around on the floor, waiting for the discounting yellow stickers to appear.

At which point the lure of strips of salty porcine rump becomes too much. The embargo will be over. The protest will have been an abject failure.

In recent years they have banned several well-known items – including the chocolate malt drink Ovaltine and some breakfast cereals.

Marmite? Ovaltine? Looks like a crackdown on our wartime favourites. What next? Horlicks? Bovril? Foxes Glacier Mints? Golly-Wogged Marmalade?

But don’t panic, Danish ex-pats – there is an alternative. And it’s not fucking Vegimite – Just Keep Calm and Carry Bovril. Never have so many’s breath stunk so much to so few.

Already a shop in Copenhagen has been ordered to remove jars of Marmite from its shelves.

Oh to have been a fly-on-the-wall, during this high-level raid. With the Yeast Extract-Gestapo taking great pleasure in systematically smashing the underground marmite resistance network of “Al-Qui-yeast-er”

———- ACT 1 – SCENE 1 ———–

TIDDLE-ING!!

The store bells rings – In walks two officers, dressed militarily in yellow and black. They close the shop- door behind them and turn the “open” sign around to “closed”; pulling down the window blinds both left and right.

The first officer – the clear leader – walks up to the counter, while his subordinate disappears behind a shelf of groceries.

“Guten morgen shopkeeper” – He wipes a gloved finger over the counter, assessing the dust with a sneer.

“I see zat you take great pride in your store. I respect zis in a person. I vill not tolerate filth and dirt. It is a sign of veakness in a man!”

The shopkeeper answers suspiciously, “Thank you, Sir. Is there anything I can help you with?

“YA! Zer is indeed”, stares the officer. The noise of tumbling tin cans and packets is heard at the back of the shop.

“Excuse my friend. He iss so clumsy sometimes”

“W..what w..would you like”? Stutters the shopkeeper

“May ve haff…” The officer looks up during a deliberate probing pause.

“… zwei sherbert dips…” the officer stops short again.

“Certainly”. The shopkeeper hands over two paper-wrapped dips.

“…and some Marmite!”, finishes the officer with a scowl.

“But we don’t stock Marmite. It’s illegal”. The owner is not convincing.

“So hand some over if it’s so illegal”, the sneer now turning into a smug.

“We don’t stock Marmite or any other extract-based spreads nor drinks”. The shopkeeper is nervous, looking left and right.

“I did not know Marmite could be used as a drink”, eagerly replied the officer. “Interesting..”

“Yes, err, err you just add a tablespoon to boiling water to create a lovely….” The Shopkeeper answers, his brow now starting to sweat.

“Go. On.”, the officer is now staring attentively, with a demented smile.

“……a.. a.. lovely hearty drink”, finishes the shopkeeper.

“So can I haff some then? Sounds nice.”, the enthusiastic grinning continues.

“W…w…we don’t have any, I told you”

“YOU LIE”

The officer grabs the owner’s head, driving it through the counter top, picking him back up by his hair then dragging him to the back of the shop.

“YOU VILL SHOW ME YOUR STOCKROOM. THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL VEE AGREE WHETHER YOU HAFF ILLEGAL SPREADABLE YEAST EXTRACT OR NOT!”

A voice calls from the stockroom. It’s the other officer. “Sir! There’s zomething back here. A LOT of zomething back here.”

The shopkeeper was never seen again.

——–END OF SCENE———

BBC Europe correspondent Chris Morris says outraged expats in the country are already threatening a campaign of civil disobedience and there are suggestions that the Danish ban could break European law.

Wise to the move, Danish counter-terrorism units have been rehearsing ways to pacify or control the disobedient British ex-pats. They include:

  • Subduing the protesters by hosing them down with Earl Grey Tea.
  • Spraying an aerosol mist of Bisto’s beef gravy into the air.
  • Starting a conga which doubles back on itself – an irresistible force to Brits abroad.

*sigh*

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