Wednesday 15th June – Bouncy Castle Horror
As if “meant to be” the aptly named SKY NEWS reported last week of gale-force winds pulling kiddies into the air TO THEIR DOOM. In an attempt to exhaust every related pun known to man, Snoozenight now presents a Special Report from the cursed Yorkshire Seaside Town of Scarborough.
Expecting a soft landing, many children were injured a the amusingly titled “Bouncy Castle Horror”.
A father watched in horror as his son was thrown into the air and across a road after a bouncy castle blew away in high winds. Seven-year-old Koby Dakin suffered serious injuries in the incident at the White House Hotel in Whitby, North Yorkshire, on Sunday afternoon.
His father Damien Young, 32, said Koby, his brother Kyle, aged 10, and an eight-year-old friend, Imogen Wright, were playing on the inflatable when a gust of wind ripped pegs out of the ground.
With phenomenal patriarchal intuition, his father sensed something was wrong… but ignored it anyway.
“It was getting quite windy, so we were thinking we’d better take them off. It didn’t look very secure,” he said.
But when those fucking children are out of the way, the lure of another four pints of Stella is strong ….
Police said wind speeds reached almost 40mph at the time of the party, held to celebrate a christening.
The bouncy castle had been inflated in the exposed rear garden of the hotel, which backs on to a golf course set back from the cliff top to the north of the seaside town.
The Dakin family have released pictures of Koby’s injuries to show just how dangerous bouncy castles can be.
…..If you’re thick enough to pitch them in gale-force winds on a clifftop.
The injured boys’ grandfather, Andy Dakin, arrived at the scene minutes after it happened and took a photograph of the deflated bouncy castle wrapped around the telegraph pole.
Shittest party-photographer ever, although it’s not all bad news.. I’m pretty sure the Grandchild’s lasting memento from the party will be a series of 8″ scars all over his broken body. Thank goodness Grandad breaks the tension by offering up this particularly taxing brain teaser…
“The bouncy castle was five foot off the top of the pole and at the bottom of the wall and that’s where my grandson ended up, smashed into the wall,” he said.
.. so how many feet did the bottom of the castle end up above the bodies of injured children? Answers on a postcard wrapped around a pencil.
Aside from Grandad’s mental arithmetic, Super Mario would get maximum points for an end-of-level flag pole jump of that magnitude.
Staff at the hotel said no one was available to speak about the incident, which is being investigated by Environmental Health officers at Scarborough Council.
But Councillors from the Borough of Scars were quick to respond to the incident, stating that, if erected correctly, bouncy castles are still a safe and fun method of binning the children off so parents can get shitfaced in peace.
analysts report that this tragedy has already had an impact on the inflatable play industry with castle rentals reporting a “free-fall drop” in profits, following its refusal “not to be tied-down” to solid financial grounding. Deflated inflatable industry leaders will follow with interest the Chancellor’s attempts at “controlling inflation”.
In a statement, the MPs said that, “Great Britain grew-up on al fresco jumping and we are confident that the inflatable châteaux industry will bounce-back from this recent crash.”
“Strong-guidelines” are to be sent from pillar-to-post outlining the correct way to erect an inflatable and we suggest parents should remain calm and take their shoes off before “jumping” on this particularly bandwagon”.
To avoid any future bouncy-castle faux-pas, The Home Office will issue an emergency list of “party music to avoid” and “party films to avoid” when creating a kid’s celebratory playlist. This guidance will be posted to call UK households and will be made available on digital download and audiobook.
While not exhaustive, those recommended tracks to avoid are as follows:
Banned music tracks:
- “Castles in the sky” – Ian Van Dahl
- “Up, Up and Away (In my beautiful balloon)” – Jimmy Webb
- “We are Sailing” – Rod Stewart
- “Jump around” – House of Pain
- “I believe I can fly” – R Kelly
- “It’s my party (and I’ll cry if I want to)” – Lesley Gore
- “Flying Without Wings” – Westlife
- “Unchained Melody” – The Righteous Brothers
- “We Float” – P J Harvey
- “Lift me up” – Geri Halliwell
- “Cemetery Party” – Air
- “Love lift us up where we belong” – Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
- Anything by “The Fall”.
Banned party films:
- “Gone with the Wind” – 1939
- “Up!” – 2009
- “Drag Me to Hell” – 2009
- “Howl’s Moving Castle” – 2004
- “Jumper” – 2008
- “Tie me up! Tie me down!” – 1990
- “Cliffhanger” – 1993
- “The Big Bounce” – 2004
- “The Fly Boys” – 2008
“By following our advice, we expect the current “hot-air” surrounding bouncy-castle-injuries will blow-over very soon.”