Friday 23rd September – Bad Gas / Nick Clegg Aged 13 ¾

Vast Gas!

In these energy-scarce times, it’s always great to hear some good old BBC news regarding the spanking of the UK’s natural resources.

Shale gas firm finds ‘vast’ gas resources in Lancashire

An energy firm which has been test drilling for controversial “shale gas” in Lancashire has said it has found vast gas resources underground.

Cuadrilla Resources began testing for gas on the Fylde Coast in March, using a technique known as “fracking”.

The art of checking for accidental-fart-wetness or “fracking” has been used by men up and down the country for centuries and this year marks the 700th anniversary of the first ever recorded “frack” by a Duke Fortitude-Wensleyson of Winchester Quarry.

In 1387 the great English Poet Geoffrey Chaucer recorded a later event in the “The Canterbury Tales” with the lines:

Suffisynge right ynogh as for a day.
But er that he hadde faerted al this array,
He frecked his craek, and eek his wenche also,
To check for mudd ware his gas should go.

Now in more modern times, the UK’s energy companies find themselves checking for gas locked amongst soil, only this time in the ocean’s cracks.

It said it had found 200 trillion cubic feet of gas under the ground, which if recovered could provide 5,600 jobs in the UK, 1,700 of those in Lancashire.

..and 3,900 jobs at the Cuadrilla Resources HQ in London.

A small protest, organised by Campaign Against Climate Change, was held outside The Imperial Hotel in Blackpool on Wednesday, where Cuadrilla met to announce its findings.

Brought up on a diet of candyfloss, fish and chips and milkshakes, most of Blackpool’s residents are used to releasing large quantities of gas into the environment.

And bubbling it through water is considered a Lancastrian art form.

Who Rocks the Party?

In related news, at this year’s Liberal Democrat’s Party Conference, Party Leader Nick Clegg “spoked something to peoples” as recorded by BBC news.

Nick Clegg’s speech rounds off Lib Dem conference. Clegg warns that Britain faces a “long, hard road” to economic recovery.

David Cameron was quick to respond…

“With many of winding turns, that lead us to who knows where?  But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him. He ain’t heavy – he’s my Deputy Prime Minister.”

Tony Blair was slower to respond…

“He is heavy – he’s my former Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott”

In his speech to the Liberal Democrat conference, the [current] deputy prime minister insisted the government would not perform a U-turn over spending cuts.

He went on to state that “J-Turns don’t count” and “handbrake turns are OK if carried out in a safe and proper manner”.

He also considered 3-Point-Turns as an “effective and polite method for returning from yet another badly signposted political cul-de-sac”.

Simply reversing out of the debate with your lights off was also deemed “considerate and discrete”.

Mr Clegg’s 42-minute speech brought to a close the five-day Lib Dem conference in Birmingham, which has seen ministers repeatedly stress that the coalition remains united on its deficit reduction plan.

This doesn’t bode well for the coalition as that, anyone with an ounce of woodworking knowledge will know, repeatedly stressing something usually results in it breaking at the joint-end.

Labour accused Mr Clegg of “sacrificing liberal tradition for personal ambition” by joining the coalition.

Unfortunately, Labour are not are as aware are we are that Nick Clegg’s personal ambition is to be the Adrian Mole of British Politics.

I pity the Party Leader who still has no idea that wearing red socks to Prime Ministers Questions is not a heroic and rebellious act anymore.

It’s also common knowledge that he’s been smoking five Benson & Hedges a day outside Westminster in an attempt to impress (and ultimately finger-bang) Harriet Harman MP.

Biege! 

Anyone who’s favourite colour is beige shouldn’t be Deputy Prime Minister.   Take a look at previous famous Deputys:  Gordon Brown’s favourite colour was “Navy Blue”.  Clement Attlee’s favourite colour was “Red”.

John Prescott, when asked, said his favourite colour was “food”.

Nick Clegg is the political equivalent of a “decaffeinated flat white coffee with sweetener”:  No froth, no taste, no strength and has a name that’s a fucking embarrassment when mentioned in a crowded coffee shop.

Good night.

Dun durr durr-durr dunn-durr. Da-da-daaa-daaa-dun-durrrrrrr.

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