Monday 2nd January – Ed Miliband, KY Jelly and a Hammer

The Daily Mail provided wonderful source material in their interview today with everybody’s second favourite Miliband – The Labour Party Leader.

“‘I think my worst habit is excessive seriousness’: Ed Miliband on his image, why he’ll be prime minister and the ongoing rift with his brother [David]”

I’d heard Ed Miliband’s worst habit was killing whores with hammers.  That and not being his brother.  Or indeed the habit of assuming he’ll eventually be PM.  (On consideration the worst habit is probably the slag-murdering thing.).  Even worse is snoozenight having to trawl through the flotsam of quotes which a desperate politician strains out when he / she is squatting over the opinion poll results.

Just to save you all the bother: the man’s interview is dull:  He makes John Major’s Spitting image Puppet look more colourful than Willy Wonka’s secret gay caberet.

His words are translucent on screen. The interview published yesterday couldn’t have been any more eyewateringly boring even if the DM had printed in the article in grey ink on grey cardboard and delivered it directly into cat litter.

What he has to say is so devoid of meat, if you hungrily chucked all 2,800 words in a frying pan, all the water would boil off and you’d be left with only 8 very-salty words to pop in into a now-stale monocrhome sandwich.

“’I wasn’t a particularly tough kid but I managed to look after myself,’ said Ed (pictured above when he was a teenager)”

By “managed to look after myself” in school, see also “mummy always packed KJ Jelly and double lunch money – both for Terry in year 8”.  “I couldn’t wait for breaktime as it game me a joyous 15 minutes to stop being bullied by my form teacher”.

“Miliband does see he wasn’t like most teenagers and he’s occasionally flummoxed by questions such as which men he admires.”

“I admired my form teacher and Terry from year 8.”

“As boys, the only fights they had were with pillows.”

“As boys, the only bites he had were with pillows” – recalls Terry, now Non-Exuctive director of EduCandy PLC.  And now part-time classroom assistant.

Oh and if you want to know what Ed looked like as a teenager, Google “Harry Potter Cosplay” or “The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole (TV series)”

Where Ed’s brother David, resembles a sleek tiger shark, the “Mr Potato-Ed” of politics resembles Aardman’s cheese-loving, plasticine-japester Wallace, crossed with Tim Henman and Butthead (from Beavis & Butthead) painted from head to toe with Pantone “Cool-Grey 5”.

 “While Cameron has steadfastly refused to talk about his wilder days at Oxford, Miliband recalls his one occasion of getting roaringly drunk: ‘Tequilas. It must have been in my second year at university.”

We recoil as he recalls his “one occasion”.  And it took him over a year to get there.  NOTE – In case Mr Miliband missed it: Britain is a collective pisshead.  Remember this point (not that you’ll be reading this) the next time you’re scratching your head over opinion-poll results.

”’You know, some people’s awakening at university is drink or drugs – mine was actually about politics.”

“I recall with some delight a three-day bender – gorging myself on 3 grams of Trotscoke, 14 Marxtecy tablets, 3 pipes full to brim with Mao Zedong and 200g of Wenslydale.  I nearly chewed my face off.  The comedown was terrible – what with Grommet needing to be de-wormed.  I haven’t stopped gurning to this day.”

And we wonder no more why David Cameron just keeps his mouth closed about his University days and sticks to swigging beer in photo opportunities at the cricket: The real truth is deepy, deepy dull.

 “Miliband’s problem is Miliband himself. Tall, dark, young, comprehensive-schooled, Oxford-educated, a father, a husband – he should be a dream leader. But the public just doesn’t get him.  If he was to be played in a movie he’d like John Cusack to play him, but has been mistaken for another actor…

….Rowan Atkinson’s “Mr Bean”?

He admits he’s uncool but says, ‘I wasn’t ever as uncool as Mr Bean and I do laugh at myself.’…

…laughing when he catches his goon-like reflection in the mirror.  If he has a reflection at all.  “Uhuh-Huh-huh Mr Bean, dem voter lioke da Mr Bean yeah! Mr Bean!” ….  To be perfectly fair, the fictional rubber-faced, mute buffoon who is often seen bumbling his way comically through a series of embarrassing situations does bear a striking similarity to Mr Bean.  Diddle-boom-tish.

Ed Milliband is so invisibile to the voting public right now, in order for their fearless leader to be seen at public appearances the Labour Party back-benchers have had had to resort to spraying him with luminol and shining an ultraviolet lamp at him.  The big hat and high-vis jacket method just didn’t cut it.

As part of an ongoing PR campaign, we understand Ed will be undertaking a number of high-profile telvision and radio events over the next few days. We at snoozenight are looking out for them with much keenness.

“Milliband Wrestles with Chimps for Votes – Live” can be seen on BBC1HD tonight at 9pm.