Wednesday 4th January – Of Mice, Men, Boobs and Booze

In light of the Stephen Lawrence sentencing due today, there will be a change to the scheduled programming.  We will be bringing you the same old rubbish as before.

But without the 18 year delay.

We all like a drink on New Year’s Eve: whether it be in front of the TV, crying in the gutter or awkwardly gurning & crunking to hardstep in Club-Topbum; the following booze nooze is as relevant now as it’s ever going to be.

So, let us hand to you a flying-fuck of an article from The Guardian’s section for readers with learning and drinking disabilities….

“Fake vodka health warning in UK”

“Consumers tempted by cheap alcoholic drinks to see in the new year are being warned of the serious health risks for those who drink fake vodka.”

Because drinking “REAL” vodka isn’t a risk to your health? Riiight. Priorities, people! The 62,000 people who died in the last decade due to an alcohol related death might agree here. If they were alive. Which they’re not, of course. Pissheads.

Well we  remember that it wasn’t long ago we heard the Telegraph tell us, about EXTRA DANGER!!!

“‘Fake’ cigarettes pose extra danger”

”Smokers who buy illegal cigarettes are exposing themselves to dangerous levels of toxins such as lead and arsenic, the Government warned yesterday.”

Just buy the “Light” versions, surely? It’s what we do when smokers have a sore throat. Or heart failure.

As opposed to being flat-out-pissed, at least smokers look cool while slowly dying. Pissheads just look, well, yellow. And a disgusting mess.

Other “stark” warnings today include:

  • “Fake Water Floods the black market”
  • “Harmful offensive Fake Fakirs’ Snakes on charm offensive”
  • “Anecdotes feeling the pinch thanks to influx of fake laughs”
  • “Fake breasts are harmful” – I think this has been done already..

Oh and get this – “Fake wool is dangerous to your health” – wearing it for ethical reasons makes you more likely to trip head-first into my tightly clenched fist you sanctimonious gaggle of clots.

 “Have a Heart: Don’t Buy Wool” say PETA

Don’t PETA know that every time they try desperately try to justify their own existence they climb even further up our collective Rage-League?  They are currently sitting in 11th Place Between The Chuckle Brothers and Rudolf Hess.  That’s a full 7 Jar-Jar-Bink’s above Jeffrey Archer!

 ”Have you made the decision to remove animal and dairy products from your plate? If so, that’s great news for your health and for animals. What you may not have thought about, however, is that there might still be animal products hanging inside your closet – in the form of sweaters, scarves, hats and mittens.”

”You do? Well, we recommend taking them out into the garden and killing them with fire. Just to be sure….. Come. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicker Man.”

“Oh, God! Oh, Jesus Christ!”

We’d better get back to the Fake Cigarettes….

”According to the new research, the counterfeit cigarettes, sold in packets looking almost identical to genuine brands, contain “much higher quantities of known carcinogens” than normal ones.”

No, those are the Marlboro Reds. They’re stronger: They make you look extra-cool, but for a shorter period (measured in number of years alive).

ANYWAY, getting sidetracked AGAIN from the REAL ISSUE OF THE DAY: What was it again? Oh yes, that stuff. BOOZE…….

“Trading standards officers at Horsham in West Sussex warned residents following a seizure of Drop vodka, Red Admiral, Arctic Ice and Spar Imperial.”

Questions need to be asked of our public servants! Why are the Trading Standards Officers pestering these residents straight after suffering a seizure? I’m sure this is worse for their health than a methanol chaser.

And anyone who buys a drink called “Arctic Ice” deserves all they get. Are these prats drinking it in the park with teenagers? Maybe they’re getting wrecked with the mice**: Stress + alcohol has a nasty habit of forcing man and animal together**

I know: I saw it in a video once.

“Paul Bettison, at the Local Government Association, warned shoppers of bargains….”

Which I bet went down like a “shit sandwich at vegan buffet” , especially at Christmas.

”… He , pointed out how homemade liquor killed 140 people in West Bengal this month.”

West Bengal has a population of 91 million people. I would bet my liver that substantially more than 140 people die from a stroke each year (while taking a crap) than from drinking moonshine……

Kandahar’d to believe it, don’t you think?

”People in the Wokingham area have also been alerted to a consignment of 700 one-litre bottles of Drop vodka which, when investigated by trading standards teams, contained chloroform. Warning signs that indicate vodka could be fake include: the contents smelling of nail varnish; wonky and poorly printed labels often containing spelling mistakes; and bottles on the shelf not filled to the same level.”

“Wonky”  That and the fact it is quite normal for alcoholic beverages to contain chloroform in Wokingham. How do you think they keep the birthrate up?

“Drop Vodka”… an instruction not a brand-name used when armed customs & excise officers smash in your back door. By this I don’t mean Duty-Free Bum-Fun.

And finally, in related “news” and JUST AS OLD as the above articles…..THIS…

**”Stressed mice take to drink”

”Scientists may have found from mice why some people reach for the bottle when the going gets tough.“

The mice, speaking through a translator said…..

 ”…mice lacking a gene known only as CRH1 drank more alcohol after an uncomfortable experience than normal mice.”

And by “uncomfortable experience”, we presume they mean having their back-doors smashed in.

“We’ve long known that stress is the biggest cause of relapse,” said Alan Leshner, chief executive of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. “

”Three weeks after the tests, the mutant mice were drinking three times as much alcohol as the normal mice, and six months afterwards, they were still drinking more alcohol. “

”Dr Spanagel said: “Mimicking addictive behaviour in animals is much easier than mimicking depressed or schizophrenic behaviour.”

I have no idea what is going on here anymore.

“Top 10 Rat-Arsed-Mice of 2011” can be seen on Channel5 tonight at 9pm.