Sunday 8th January – Hawking, Andre, Stringfellow and Cocks

Sounding suddlenly less like Davros and more like a bloke up the pub, The Guardian this week covered the “world’s greatest scientific mind of his generation” as he skilfully aligned himself both with the Catholic Church and Jeremy Clarkson.

”Stephen Hawking admits he finds women ‘a complete mystery’”

Woh! Woh! mysterious girls!

When taking time away from leading the Daleks to the destruction of the Earth, Stephen “Davros” Hawking did the impossible by (absolutely-definitely-metaphorically) putting his foot in his mouth.

”Physicist who has grappled with cosmic inflation and a quantum theory of gravity says he is baffled by women.”

The professor went on to explain that cosmic inflation was just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ and the real discoveries were to be found researching the ‘inflation of women‘.

”His career has shed light on the secrets of the universe, from the nature of space-time to the workings of black holes, but there is one conundrum that still baffles the world’s most famous scientist. In an interview to mark his 70th birthday this weekend, Stephen Hawking, the former Lucasian professor of mathematics at Cambridge University, admitted he spent most of the day thinking about women. “They are,” he said “a complete mystery.”

In an interview with Snoozenight.com, Professor Hawking’s synthetic-voicebox told us, “To quote Churchill: ‘women are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, forced through a mincer, squeezed into sausage-skin, covered in leather, dipped in tar and slapped around my fucking face’.”

”Professor Hawking, whose stardom has included spots on The Simpsons and Star Trek, spoke to New Scientist magazine ahead of an international conference held in his honour that began on Thursday in Cambridge.“

Stephen was in good spirits and didn’t appear at all worried that, in what could have tarnished his conference and celebration, it was likely that the event was to be picketed by women from all across the UK.

“Will people know what message they are trying to say?  Let’s hope they bring a man with them to help communicated their message. And NOT that fucking poster-boy Brian Cox. What a cunt.”

”Earlier this week, eminent researchers expressed admiration and respect for Professor Hawking, a scientist who inspired colleagues and students while forging ahead with fresh insights into some of the most intangible puzzles to hand.”

His comments have caused uproar from Women’s groups with The Girl Guide’s new Royal Representative, Kate Middleton, first to comment.

She stating that “If the greatest mind in modern times can’t figure us out, maybe he should get off his fat arse and stop spend less time thinking about himself.  Wanker.”

“He really should learn to keep his thoughts in his trousers.  Although we might listen to his apology if he bought us presents. All of them.  We used to regard Stephen as a bit of a dark-horse (and cart).  It turns out that he’s just like the rest of ‘em.  A complete bastard!”

The Women’s Institute followed Kate’s statement with a more balanced response, “Fuck the mong and fuck his silly voice – the sexist wheelie-pig.  You wouldn’t get this abuse from that Professor Brian Cocks.  He’s a gentleman.  He’s a nice boy.”

When pushed by Pierre his ‘flatmate and personal trainer‘, Prof Brian Cox appeared at first to support Hawking, “Stephen has been the main-stay of modern astrophysics for over 50 years now – and for that I can only respect and admire him…”

“..But his comments regarding the finer gender are simply silly.  All women are a Wonder of the Universe.  They single-handedly make the awful act of being alive a magical and beautiful experience.  I can’t stop smiling just thinking about them.  Eh girls? Eh? Eh? Yeah”

Professor Cox went on to invite “all the women in the world” around to his recently landscaped “ladies garden” for a “special cuddle” to celebrate the “Wonders of Women”.

Elsewhere and in an historic act of solidarity with science, The Church of England declined to comment on a matter of public interest.  This was unprecedented act of silence as the CoE is always “first to the dinner-table to stuff it’s filthy beak before moaning about how bad the food was.”

Thus, we had two behemoths standing in solidarity:  The Church raising a metaphorical single middle finger up to the face of every female in the world and Professor Hawking typing “mfhn” which looks like a middle finger coming out of a fist.

Despite recent Twock-ups of his own, Ed Miliband was quick to Tweet his thoughts:

“Professor Hawkwind should keep darky thoughts like that to himself.  They were negrossly offensive and he’s really dug himself in a political blackhole #racialism”

”Hawking has made a string of contributions to cosmology throughout a career that many doubted would last as long as it has after he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease at the age of 21. He worked on the inflation of the early universe, a quantum theory of gravity, and famously showed that black holes emit radiation and so slowly disappear.”

Although his work and comment on the female gender remain, to this date, largely unpublished, his current research paper titled “Bitches ain’t nothing but whores with tricks” is expected to be released to his peers sometime in 2012.

As for his greatest mistake, Hawking said: “I used to think information was destroyed in black holes”, a belief he later revised. “This was my biggest blunder, or at least my biggest blunder in science.”

Outside of science, Stephen continued to fire his biggest-ever blunderbuss by saying, “One of the unproven constants of the universe, suffered by most males, is the existence of the Naggs Boson or ‘girl problem particle’.”

The discovery could go some way to explaining the reason why female-particles gain mass in direct proportion to the length of their relationship with male partners.  Any future discoveries would help prove and solidify a “Grand Theory of Fanny” currently taught in Student Unions around the world.

The existence of the ‘Naggs Boson’ has remained elusive for decades since its theory was first put to the scientific community for scrutiny by Professor Jim Davidson in his 1983 show on Southend pier.

The Guardian continues..

“Stephen Hawking to give 70th birthday lecture ‘A brief history of mine’ “

Given his communication issues, “A Brief History of Mime” may have been more apt.

”The celebrations culminate on Sunday when the man himself is due to deliver a rare public lecture entitled A Brief History of Mine.” Warm-up acts include Lord Rees, the astronomer royal, and Saul Perlmutter, who won the Nobel prize in physics last year for the co-discovery of dark energy, the mysterious substance said to drive the expansion of the universe.”

Notable friends of Stephen who will be in attendance or passing on birthday regards are Kanye West, Ashely Cole, TOWIE’s Mark Wright, Fred West, David Blunket, Calum Best and Peter Stringfellow.

You think I’m joking about the last one?

”Peter Stringfellow, who met Hawking at his London nightclub several years ago, told the Guardian: “I’ve met presidents of America, prime ministers, film stars and rock stars. You name them and I have probably met them. But this was the man who really took my breath away.”

“As far as I’m concerned Professor Stephen Hawking is our generation’s Albert Einstein. A lot of people who think they are very famous are going to be footnotes in history, but Stephen Hawking will not be a footnote, he is part of history. Like Einstein, Winston Churchill and even Margaret Thatcher.”

“The lap dancers adored him as much as he adored them!  His mobility equipment really gave them something to hold onto while muff-waving”

Catch Professor Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Manliness” on SkyARTS this Tuesday, 9pm.

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