Friday 13th January – The Sun, Hooves, Employee Fisting and Leveson

Warning: this article is certificate 18.  Containing strong language, sexual references, moderate fantasy violence and snoozenight losing it to the soundtrack of Dominic Mohan’s garbled garglings.  In fact this is just 1000 swear words taped together and then dangled in front of a webcam for no-one’s pleasure.

Have you ever wondered if papers have an ego?  Here’s an extract from the The Sun newspaper this week, whereby the The Sun newspaper’s editor, Dominic Mohan, edits a story written about The Sun newspaper’s editor Dominic Mohan talking to the Leveson Inquiry this week about the newspaper he edits (The Sun) written by The Sun newspaper’s staff who report to the editor (Domonic Mohan) of The Sun newspaper.

Otherwise know as The Sun to the power of nine – AKA: The Sun9

”Sun campaigns are hailed by Leveson”

By “hailed” we can only assume “rained on with stone-like balls of  inquisitive shit”.  No?  Oh fuck.  Here we go…

”Inquiry chief salutes ‘positives’ as editor gives evidence”

Leveson gets out of his chair, his long leather jacket and ladehosen creaking.  He clicks his heels together before greeting the walking AIDS virus, Demonic Mohan with a military gesture not seen formally since 1945.

Saluting the HIV positives of the vile smirking Dominic Mohan who, at the time (in my head), was goose-stepping his way around the room, replacing “f”s with “v”s and holding his finger on his top lip.  The vile animal.

”THE Sun’s editor Dominic Mohan yesterday told the Leveson Inquiry into Press standards the paper was a “powerful force for good”.

At least that’s what our editor said about his paper.  That’s the journalists boss said.  THE boss.  A powerful force for good like Batman or GOD, less shadowy and based more in fucking fiction woo-woo-fantasy-Teletubbie-gotham-bye-bye-marioland.

Such was the enormity of this massive act of self-back-slapping, the force of the hit knocked “The Sun’s” Dominic Moron forward headfirst into the floor, only to be greeted by his dopey, grim reflection grinning back at him:  his massive rubber head gleaming for a split second before bouncing him back up to answer more questions in the inquiry.  Leaving dash only a smudge of hair-gel on the floor-tile.  This was quickly mopped up by his attending familiar – a giant, hooved, flame-winged mandrill , dressed head to trotter in gold chainmail and babies bones.

 ”Mr Mohan said he was proud of Sun campaigns that raised millions for charity and stories exposing wrong-doers.“

He would be proud.  He’s the fucking Editor of the Sun.  The Sun being the newspaper publishing the article I’m ripping the piss out of – just in case you weren’t paying attention at the beginning.

”Lord Justice Leveson, who heads the inquiry, agreed. He added: “I think it’s extremely important to emphasise the positive as well as be aware of the negative.”

Leveson them called in Donald Rumsfeld to continue the proceedings….

“Nobody should think because we have an inquiry focusing on concerns which represent the negative it’s not a very important part of the job to balance that with the positives, examples of which you have just provided.”

Now fucking shut up and get to the point, Mohan,

We at snoozenight.com (OK it’s just one person) also think it’s extremely important to emphasise the positive as well as be aware of the negative.

Now that’s cleared up, somebody tell Mohan to shut his stinking-pie-hole, and just nod his massive moon-face,  you misguided, misdirecting, mirror-shagging, gibbon-masked, shit-eater and say you’ll behave – because if you don’t – if you don’t – we (me) will be round you office with a poisonous undead paedo Wyvern to shut your insufferable shit up for good and gobble up your monkey-God-cum-winged-sex-slave.

Why not concentrate on why you’ve been called in to the enquiry, Dom, you balloon-headed, gurning, goat-fucker.  [too much? nah]

”Mr Mohan, 42, said The Sun gave its eight million readers an easy-to-read account of issues that were often highly complex.“

Because we’re all stooped innit, durr uhuh.  I liokes the pikchurrs especially thur boobies, hur hur hur.  Banging our heads on t’workbench in t’mill.  What the fuck are you ribbetting on about? You unbelievable prick!

”The paper felt a great loyalty to readers and a duty to give help through the financial slump.”

Like the loyalty NI gave it’s emplyoyees when it dropped them in the shit.

”Mr Mohan set up the Sun employment section of the paper, which has helped around 50,000 unemployed readers find jobs or training.“

With 200 of those employed were sacked by NI last year because of “somebody else”’s fuck up.  It’s always someone else.

”He also highlighted the paper’s charity work, adding: “Help for Heroes has raised £124million for injured servicemen, who were perhaps a little neglected before.”

“Out of that came the Millies awards, where we honour service personnel.” The Sun had also been involved in three No1 charity singles that raised millions.“

Thanks Dom, great article by the way.  I love the bit where you’re at the inquiry, yeah? And you get asked uncomfortable questions, yeah? And you look like a tool, yeah?  Thanks for not covering that bit and instead create a drama where you’re dressing yourself up as a fucking chubby, butt-ugly Holy Second Coming being persecuted for your good deeds to humanity and flooding the land with 99p holidays.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life: The Sun News paper (only 20p)” 

Our saviour, Lord Jesus Mohan, is being put to trial by the odious Jew Leveson at the Jewish Sanhedrin council.  But what’s this?  In a turn up for the books, Lord Dominic Christ is dodging their charges like he’s running the Pamplona bull, cheekily carrying the red-top of his fucking daily-rag sticking out the back pocket of his burial shroud.

Mr Mohan added: “I do believe The Sun can be a real powerful force for good. These campaigns are an example.”

It’s true.  But then the News of World raised £3m in one issue last year. The godforsaken NEWS OF THE WORLD!!! It’s like Joseph Fritzl donating to Childline

OK.  The Sun raised a lot of money and fights the good fight.  I’ll give you that.

But just because Children in Need raises hundred of millions for UK charities, you wouldn’t let it camp outside your house and rummage through your fucking bins.  Not Pudsey bear anyway.

If it was found and proven (which is a little unlikely to be honest) that Pudsey Bear had tracked and killed 3000 domestic cats and dogs over a 2 year period, would we all coo and aww at his amazing fundraising skills.

No: we’d have him cut to ribbons and turned into patchwork for OAPs to make awkward and distasteful blankets for the homeless to shit in.  And we’d never forget what that cunt did.  Never.

“He told the inquiry The Sun took the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Practice very seriously.”

”A story about X Factor judge Dannii Minogue’s pregnancy was not used as it would have breached the code, which says a mum-to-be must not be named until 12 weeks pregnant.”

Well done. Fucking cunts.  Oh (I will dig until I reach bedrock) and remember me?……

Dannii Thinogue

“DANNII Minogue looks like she’s lost all her baby weight as she poses in a tight-fitting dress to launch a new beauty range yesterday.”

Yeah the fat colonial douchbag Dannii.  The Sun said she’d fucking piled it on she did.  Disgusting!  “Her and that fat baby, covered from head to toe in dirty baby fat. Let’s suck it off them with a hose pipe and a leafblower.”

”Mr Mohan said there needed to be a “level playing field” between papers and the internet.”

”He told of his frustration at being stopped by a legal injunction from naming Ryan Giggs as the lover of Big Brother’s Imogen Thomas, even though it was all over the internet.”

”By the time The Sun was able to name Giggs, millions were aware.”

Shame.  Not fair!!! It’s poor old Daemonic’s job to release the news to us plebs – not the other way around.  Oh boo hoo!

We the public must not be allowed to make the news nor to distribute the news (especially for free – ohh the guilt!).  I mean, if his paper stopped reporting the news before anyone else, it would have to make news to be able to report on it first.  Yeah?  Are you with me now?  THE PAPER WOULD HAVE TO MAKE THE NEWS. LIKE TODAY.  IN THIS ARTICLE. *nods*  *nods again* No? Oh.

”He said: “As I wrote the headline ‘It’s Ryan Giggs’ my heart sank because there were several million people out there who already knew.”

Then why bother running the story?  We’d pity his “pain” except for the fact that article was written by NICK PARKER  and TOM NEWTON DUNN .

Speaking though a spirit medium, Dominic Mohair, The Dark Lord of Fleet Street, thanks them both for their tireless work and they will be duly promoted to the “anal-skewering-of-non-believers” section in level 83 of his personal, rancid, hellish dominium.

Mr Mohan said The Sun has been in talks about appointing an internal ombudsman to investigate complaints.

With the “internal appointment” being the one his sub-editors will be making with Mohan’s fist as it’s inserted into them analy up to the elbow, while his flame-winged mandrill leaps and giggles at the safe-haven of an assumed ethical break-even point they think they are balance on.

Keep taking the pills, people.  I can’t.  I’ve sewn my mouth pipe closed.

Watch “Man Drills Dominic”tonight at 9pm, Dudestation Extreme.

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