Facebook, Dave, Dirty Greeks and Sausage Rolls

Quick round up, kids……

TECHNOLOGY

So this week Facebook floated on the US stockmarket, raising initially $106Bn.
This windfall will give Co-Founder Mark Zuckerburg just enough to buy another FarmVille pig-shed and 5 more colours in Draw Something™

Each share started at $36 and rose sharply to $42 per share following the announcement that Facebook had collapsed and died near the end of the London Marathon.

Following the analogue TV “switch-off” recently (and by no means a coincidence, conspiracy fans) the founding editor of BBC’s Ceefax passed away this week, aged “888”.

Colin McIntyre edited all 24 pages of the newly-launched Ceefax using punch-tape fed into machines. This “punch-tape” was a forerunner and name-sake to the current BBC rolling news coverage. Full of gaping holes and a continually streaming mess, with an ancient, indecipherable and error-ridden language.

INTERNATIONAL

Malawi this week announced it will “overturn ban on gays”. By “overturned” they mean to “turn over” then sodomise by gangs of thugs with tools. Think Capcom’s “Resident Evil 5” – co-op.

LONDON 2012

The Olympic Flame was handed over and is now making it’s way to London’s East-End on a journey of around 1000miles.

Easyjet’s no-smoking policy is making life difficult for torch-bearer, Lord David Beckham PhD, who has been asked to crouch in the undercarriage screaming the national anthem for the whole journey, like a manscaped and less-muddy Arnold Schwazeneggar, trying to attract the Predator’s attention in the 1980’s action sci-fi “Kindergarden Kop.”

The torch’s first official UK destination is The People’s Republic of Cornwall.

ECONOMICS

Meanwhile in Greece… The Euro Markets are going “bonkers” as the third-world “seat of civilisation” teeters on the brink of bancrupy for the 50th time in the last 12 months.

Cheap gag alert: Chancellor Merkel has asked for Greece to hold a referendum over a Euro Exit, with Grecian Men marking either a “X” (yes to exit) or a “O” (stay in the Euro) on non-flushable bog-roll using only their shit-covered cocks.

Meanwhile in the UK, Cornwall’s biggest export has took a hit recently, with the Pasty Tax (or VAT as the rest of us call it) “dealing a severe blow” to it’s biggest export.

Greggs have already posted a 30% drop in sales of baked goods, with Medicin Sans Frontiere warning that the inner city is becoming malnourished by “about the same percentage” as people move to the cheaper Pringles and red-bull option for breakfast.

As a result of the introduction of VAT, high streets up and down the country are deafening with the increased noise due to inner-city toddlers “going without” their puff-pastry breakfast pacifiers. Protest plans are afoot, led by the Occupy Movement.

Rick Stein will occupy a giant pasty-crust before being baked alive. His dried, over-seasoned remains will be delivered to Downing Street next week by Greggs’ Head of Logistics, Simple Simon.

On landing, Field Marshall David Beckham MD will use the Olympic torch to light Rick’s bespoke oven to formally announce the start of the Occu-Pie movement.

SPORT

England & Wales Cricket Take on the West Indies in the first test, with Andrew Strauss on form, hitting 100 shots in his first round at the pop-up beach bar. In stark contrast, Austrailia’s tour of India resulted in all of the team getting runs.

Under scrutiny was the new England Summer Tour kit: gold “three lions” chains, string vests, doo –rag and baggy pants with waistband below the buttocks, while all white, did not fall within MCC guidelines. In football, Chelsea face Bayern Munich with weekend in the European Champions League Final.

Let’s hope Chelsea again make the post-war Germans look a “poor second place”, just like the Greeks are doing with marital anal-sex and the Cornish are doing with their own take on killing men in ovens.

Laters taters…..

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