Lockerbie, Hand of Zod, Hospital Food

zod

INTERNATIONAL

Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, the only person convicted over the 1988 attack, has died older than Yoda at his home in Libya, aged 623.

Released in 2009 on compassionate grounds as Megrahi was “dying of terminal cancer”, worse was in store on arrival back in Libya. Doctors sadly confirmed that he was simply dying of terminal mortality like the rest of us.

His lasting legacy was only to confirm the mortality of 270 western meatbags.

Terminally alive mass murderer Al Maghari was uncertified not dead aged 57+3.

SPORT

England manager Roy Hogson was warned his players to behave responsibly or their futures will be in doubt.

Sounding like a Bond Villain, Roy’s deathly prophesy comes only two days after he unveiled his massive network of “dark and powerful watchmen”.

At a press conference today, the deeply religious England Manager, wearing tight black robes and holding a FIFA sanctioned scythe issued his dire warning to the small group of multi-millionaire footballers and demanded that to “secure their futures” they must “kneel before Woy” and whispered angrily that “the eyes of the world are on them”.

His sinister warning appeared to put shivers down the spine of even the most “bastardish” professional footballers, with Twitter quietly exploding inwardly on itself.

Professional cunt John Terry, still celebrating his recent Champions League victory tweeted, “Fear Lord Woy. Love Lord Woy. Lord Woy is our saviour. No moar shampain 2nite lol”. Serial creative bastard Ashly Cole tweeted, “Master Woy. You boss, we toss.”

Laughing from beneath his darkened cowel, Roy went on to add that

“there are mobile phones with cameras everywhere these days. You can’t escape them.”

YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THEM

MEDIA

“The senior Scotland Yard officer in charge of three linked phone-hacking investigations will retire later this year, the Met has confirmed.”

While no formal announcement has been released, snoozenight sources have revealed that Deputy Assistant Commissioner Sue Akers notified her bosses by email and voicemail last autumn stating that she planned to leave after the Olympic Games.

HEALTH

“The government this week has insisted it is working to improve the quality of hospital food in England.”

“Food served in NHS hospitals has come in for criticism, with campaigners arguing that salt and fat levels are too high.”

The anti-campaigner-campaigners camp has argued that, given that hospital food is a beige, tasteless disaster and too much salt and fat in food ADDS flavour, the claims cannot be true.

Heath Ministers have revealed that as a good-will gesture, the Rick Stein death-pasty (see previous post) will be among the first “improved” dishes to be carved and served to the disabled orphans At Great Ormond Street Hospital.

UK

“The Surrey town of Staines has officially changed its name to Staines-upon-Thames in an attempt to boost its riverside image.”

Insert another obvious joke here. đŸ˜‰

OTHER

I’ve been piddling with the format here, so bear with it. Any feedback regardless of level of constructiveness is welcomed by Snoozenight.

20120521-174848.jpg

Advertisements