London 2012 – The Official Review

Olympics copy

Those who thought the games would continue into infinity, only to be cut-short by limiting the disability classification system, need worry no more.

With the BBC’s in-depth 3DHDOCD polished coverage now relegated to iPlayer followed closely by the groundbreaking (albeit AIDSverts riddled) C4 coverage Snoozenight‘s official review will sit pleasantly on monster-much-covered laps of those who have been welded to the sofa for the best part of four weeks.

Below you’ll find the Snoozenight moshpit highlights including:

  • Row one-hundred-and-fifty-fuckinghell, 80,000 airborne moshpits for David Weir.
  • People going insane, watching a TV inside an empty Exhibition Centre 10 miles away.
  • Who let the fucking scum in? Get the board-games out – It’s Wimblympic Dress-Down Day for Andy Murray!
  • Going mental at a TRAIN STATION for Mo Farah.
  • Mad for it bats, hanging from the ceiling to cheer-on the motorboat Ellie Simmonds.
  • A guy who defies all broadcast conventions in order to bring to the world swimming glory in all it’s volume-button-dodging silent root-squared aspect ratio un-glory.
  • And the greatest speech since Churchill’s “No No No”, Boris wins the final Gold for Team GB.

The following coverage is brought to you by our official partners of London 2012: Nike, Pepsi, Burger King and Mastercard.  By that I mean I’m in London, 2012 AD, washing down by Whopper with a Pepsi while wearing Nikes.  I’ve maxed the Mastercard.  Still counts.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – banned from masturbating, David Weir‘s piston-arms are put to good use away from the stadium where he is paid £200,000 per year to wave for the Queen.  Sitting low in the carriage, he can sometimes be seen giving a cheeky wink to his ex-wife and former BBC Royal Correspondant, Jennie Bond.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – Filming a television picture then subsequently playing back the recording on the same television is known to both invalidate the manufacturers guarantee and has a 6% chance of opening up a wormhole directly into the BBC Controller’s office.  If you do choose to pass through the wormhole, you will have the added bonus of being invisible for the entire time, yet paralysed from the neck down.  Only one person has ever managed to bite their way back and it took a once able-bodied Stephen Hawking 24 years to do so.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – When attending Wimbledon during the Final weekend, it is traditional for the Men to dress up in wigs, twin-sets, high-heels and pearls and for the Women to dress as middle-aged lesbians in polo shirts.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – The crowd-control term “kettling” originates from London in the late 1980’s wherebye Officers of the Metropolitan Police Force would “put the kettle on” instead of effectively processing evidence taken from crimes committed against black victims.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – The Olympic swimming pool holds approximately 550,000 Gallons of Water, which is the equivelent of over 2 million pensioner’s bladders who “forgot they were in a pool, Vera” .  These calculations do not take into account any solid droppings, plasters, dentures or vomit.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – The BBC used over seventeen million cameras over the course of London 2012 – the largest number ever for a single sporting event.  These CCTV cameras were deployed to stop the thieving cockney bastards from stealing Tom Daley’s suntan.

SNOOLYMPIC FACT – Boris Johnson was the original proposal put forward for the 2012 Olympic Mascot but was rejected by LOCOG for being too ” fucked up lookin’ “.  He was instead replaced by a design resembling a “drunken one-night stand between a Teletubby and a Dalek” AKA Gordon Brown.  Who was then also rejected in favour of the more conservative designs of Wenlock and Mandeville.