Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman & Shitting
Kim Jong-un ‘don’t want do war’ – Dennis Rodman claims
Just to recap – Kim Jong-un is the supreme leader of the Totalitarian Dictatorship, North Korea. He kind of looks like David Lynch put though the Fat-Booth app. He’s 30 but has such a fat head he looks 15. Think Violet Beauregarde after she eats the “Three Course Dinner Chewing gum” in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
Dennis Rodman on the other hand is a former NBA Basketball legend and vodka-soaked media rag-doll. His look sits somewhere between the Predator alien and a 7 foot Widow Twanky.
Rodman and the Globetrotters arrived in North Korea earlier this week, accompanied by the Vice television company which said they hoped to engage in some “basketball diplomacy”
Nope, I didn’t make that up. The BBC News Website did HERE. And shit is REAL – Now, if by admission “the shit” is “real” then this is the kind of shocking reality you will only ever experience by having a 15 stone Indonesian sneak into you bedroom at night, squat over your face while you sleep and then forcefully squeeze out a thick week-old noodle-turd. Into your snoring, gaping mouth. And my mouth is is still a-gape (sans turd), days after reading about Rodney and Kim-Jong’s “friendship”.
In a story which is even more baffling than the “Mugabe Appointed Leader for Tourism by the UN”, this week, the (self-appointed) Intergalactic Asian Peace Emissary and all round flaming-tramp-stamp-knob-end, Dennis Rodman met to discuss, well I have no fucking idea, with North Korea’s leader.
Maybe it was to discuss the cross-promotion of Hipster Magazines and human rights atrocities, while the six-foot-seven harlequin-goof-ball, offers an olive branch across the globe, whittled skilfully into a crack pipe and bowl. With fakes smoke and everything.
And who better offer aid olive-branch than the increasingly incoherent muppet that is Dennis Rodman – the fucking “Danny-La-Rue” of the NBA . This fundamentalist drunkard is known throughout the world (for being a fundamentalist drunkard) and is star of such notable (fundamentalist drunkard) TV hits as “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew“, “Sober House (with the MutherFucking Dr Drew)” and “Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling” – Dr Drew handing over judging duties to his protege, Dr Hulk Hogan (a fully qualified Doctor of Big Leg-Drops and doing that holding his hand to his ear thing).
The game involved the three members of the Harlem Globetrotters, who had joined Rodman on the tour, and members of North Korea’s “Dream Team”.
As stated earlier, the not-at-all-reclusive “Dame Edna” Rodman made a trip to the “reclusive” North Korea with Vice to host basketball exhibitions. So just to further reinforce what I just said – he’s sponsored by the Douchbaggery Times. I used to read Vice magazine before it was cool. By that I mean before it was concieved. I heard it’s stories screamed from the mouths of Iranian steam-punk artists on rollercoasters in baffling locations around the world. All the time. (ok we get the joke – ed)
This before-it-was-cool-jam-rag has editorials such as….
“Sophie talks about the benefits of nipple abuse, how buying things sold at the grocery store to get high is lame”
“How to Eat Pig’s Feet.”
Both of which again I didn’t make up. NOTE – In this article: SHIT is REAL and it’s rapidly building up pressure just behind your metaphorical sphincter. There are no metaphorical public toilets within 2 hours of where you are or are not. There is however a metaphorical empty iced-cream tub in that metaphorical bush over there. It’s metaphorical decision time, readers. Go-on, no-one is looking. Use a metaphorical dock leaf to clean up. Or your undies.
“Most fun I’ve had in a while,” said Mr Duffy, who was one of the players.
As a team of crack marksmen continued to train their rifle’s laser-crosshairs on him, while Kim Jong-un sits back, looking more and more like a skilfully photoshopped facsimile of his late father Kim Jong-il.
Speaking on ABC’s This Week with George Stephanopoulos, Mr Rodman claimed: “He said, ‘If you can, Dennis – I don’t want [to] do war. I don’t want to do war.’ He said that to me.”
“If you can, your holiness, Dali Rodman, we don’t want do WAR!, (hurr!) Good-God!, what want do war is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again.”
Being used to incoherent, bumbling mad men (having been in and out of rehab for fifteen years) Rodman is ideally suited to the job of international messenger for Kim Jong-Un. With Dennis’ memory fully-crack-blown, his good-will messages would have to have been tattooed inside his lids in advance of the return trip back to America. Vice magazine no doubt covering this process in a feature call “KIM JONG-INK”.
On landing back in the states, our interplanetary B-Ball twit couldn’t wait for the opportunity to peel them back on Prime-Time TV to express to America Korea’s message to the world
“IF YOU CAN DENN”
“IS I DON’T WANT”
FORESKIN“DO WAR OH AND SEND MY LOVE TO OBAMA – XX KIM. P.S. DID YOU GET THE BIT ABOUT NOT WANTING DO WAR? COOL COOL LATERS”*
*Yep for those of you following, that was the comedy basic “willy of a 7 foot black man joke”.
When questioned about Mr Kim’s human rights record, Mr Rodman said he was not apologising for the North Korean leader, “but as a person to person, he’s my friend.”
In a speech at the gymnasium, Rodman told Mr Kim he had “a friend for life”.
Solid choice of friend there, Dennis. If you click on “List of career achievements by Dennis Rodman, you’ll see an entry Rodman published his second autobiography, I Should Be Dead By Now, where he promotes the book by sitting in a coffin.
If you click on “List of career achievements by Kim Jong-Un and Kim Jong-Il”, you’ll see an entry regarding Defecting North Korean women, made pregnant by Chinese men. Who were thrown in prison.
…China deported thousands of North Korean refugees, with many ending up in North Korean prison camps. People who later managed to escape again, to China and South Korea, say that prisoners discovered to be pregnant were routinely forced to have abortions. If babies were born alive, they say, guards forced prisoners to kill them.
“…she watched a doctor open the box and kill the two live babies by piercing their skulls with surgical scissors. The next day, she said, she helped to deliver 11 dead babies from 20 pregnant women who had been injected to induce delivery.”
“…she twice saw prison doctors kill newborn babies, sometimes by stepping on their necks.
”The pattern is to identify women who are pregnant, so the camp authorities can get rid of the babies through forced abortion, torture or very hard labor. If they give birth to a baby alive, the general policy is to let the baby die or to help the baby die with a plastic sheet.”
Some shit is real and for others reality is is simply shit.